sinisterbeauty

I feel a lot of mixed feelings. The last few days, I’ve been limping pretty pathetically. People ask me about a dozen times a day “why are you limping, did you hurt your foot?”. The answer is:

I did not hurt my foot though both of my feet hurt, badly. I didn’t hurt my leg but my leg hurts. My muscles in my body are cramping up like the worst Charley Horse you’ve ever had and they won’t uncramp which makes flexing my ankles hurt like a BITCH. My muscles hurt, burn, cramp. My joins hurt, my bones HURT. My back hurts SO BADLY and I find myself loosing balance on my left side, trying not to walk to my right because that side is the worst and really, I just look f*cking drunk. My dr. ignores my requests for muscles relaxers and the pain medicines are not helping. I feel like f*cking bloody Hell and nothing I do makes me comfortable or makes the pain stop.

Why? Why the cramps, the pain? I don’t have a clue! I know I have a really jacked up spine and a severe vitamin D defiency. They don’t know what’s going on with my muscles and all I know about that is that they spasm and cramp a lot but it’s 1,000 x WORSE in this God-forsaken heat. I don’t know why these things are happening but I drink TONS of water and fluids to keep from making it worse, I eat banannas, I take Vitamin D and I try to sleep as much as I can. Beyond that, I’m at my wits end and I don’t have any more answers for the people who ask me every single day why I’m limping.

I don’t limp EVERY DAY. The heat makes it worse so when it gets really hot, I cramp up and limp. Trust me, I’m trying here! I’m so annoyed by the constant coments from people and I feel really embarassed when I can’t keep up or when people look at me funny. Thinking about this makes me tear up because I don’t know how to make any of it stop. It seems like my dr doesn’t give two sh*ts and I’m sick of paying her and these other dipsh*ts so much money to fix this problem.

I know I need to go back and get more bone density tests, should get some x-rays of my right foot b/c it really does hurt but I’ve been managing with it for a few years now. I should get my back x-rayed again. I should get another EEG and MRI b/c of the reoccuring Myoclonic spasms and how sick I’ve been feeling. But God-bless-America, I just don’t have the energy or the money. I don’t have the time off work. I’m loosing my f*cking mind.

I need a hug or at least a really stiff drink. Instead, I’m going to eat my lunch.

And yes, I’m trying to eat healthier. I do walk a lot no matter how much it hurts.

I need to add Pain Specialist to my list of people to see.

What pisses me off royally is my Mother won’t have sh*t to do with me b/c I vaguely recall her telling me what a whimp I am and how I’m blowing things out of proportion or something. I don’t have words to say how that makes me feel as if all of this doesn’t make me feel like sh*t she has to add to it.

#$%&* #$%&* #$%&*

That was cartoon cussing. Insert whatever you like there.

- k

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home-life, livejournal, medical, x-posted by kimberly